MY TESTIMONY

Today marks one of many days to come of me stepping into being a faithful and obedient servant. A few weeks ago, God had put it on my heart to share my testimony. To that with I responded with okay God what do you want me to tell your people? How can I be a vessel to serve you? For a few days, a few weeks God was silent with me.

I said okay… I’m going to do it. Not in my strength or in my confidence but in yours.

It’s as if God was priming me. He planted the thought and finally.

God said: you will share your journey with anxiety and depression, where you thought it brought you, what it did to you & how you are handpicked and called. God reminds us so many times through people, through his word, through circumstances, through messages and pastors. How he doesn’t call the qualified HE qualifies the called! I know that in these days specifically many of you may be feeling anxious, uncertain, unsettled with mixed spirits; you may even feel saddened by opportunities that may have closed due to the current circumstances.

I stand here to tell you that you are not alone in those feelings. I relate so heavily with each of those emotions. Ever since I can remember I’ve always lived with those fears and worries.

TO this day I struggle with, the feelings of fear creeping in on you from all directions. Constant changes creating uncertainty at every level. Never ending doubt of unworthiness, repercussions of what felt like every positive opportunity slammed shut in my face. Constant worrying of what tomorrow will look like, never knowing how to fully communicate every bit of pain and struggle.

I turned and fell into what felt like a never-ending dark hole who only continued to suck the little bit of life left in me. I continued to slip further and further away; drifting to anywhere but here. For what felt like the wrath of hell continuing to dig its nails deeper and deeper into my chest taking every bit of; joy, peace, confidence, stability, security, worthiness, love and soon everything meant nothing.

The consequences you may ask pain. Pain in the eyes of those who love me, pain in my own heart and with every breath in me I yelled, and I screamed out to the holy one for answer I heard nothing.

No gardener wants to see the darkness encapsulate the sun to rob the growth of its seeds. Just as any good gardener, they’d do anything to continue the growth of its seeds. with every tool the Gardener owned, it watered continuously, it nurtured carefully, it catered thoroughly to the seed. No matter how robbed we all felt, hope and faith lay still in our hearts. After countless efforts we grew tired. More than ever we leaned on God’s word & it's as if in God's divine timing he lifted the darkness. Joy, happiness, security, worthiness, confidence, was rooted deeper than ever. The holes in my chest that were filled with nails were no longer filled with pain, they were filled with the love of the Lord. Shame no longer lived inside of me.

I stand here today to tell you that the Lord has redeemed me. My story has just begun I'm no means a perfect person. I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but I choose every day, despite the way my flesh feels I choose my Lord and savior. Anxiety and Depression doesn't bind me or define me. It does remind me how far God has brought me. God didn't make anxiety God didn’t make depression happened to me. satan roams this earth. God used a bad for the greater good. I'm here to tell you God consistently reminds us of his goodness. If we are willing to: one receive it and two if our hearts are open to it.

Now I see the world greener than I ever did before. God reminds me that the sound of birds chirping, and singing is nature’s way of giving God the glory. What a cheerful sound to our Lord's ears if the birds worship our God I will too. As I walk out and the fresh wind breezes against my cheeks I'm reminded of his touch, I'm reminded of his affection for us. I imagine the wind as a wrapping a covering of his hedge of protection, his power surrounding each of us. As I'm captivated by the covering, he reminds me through his scent of the morning dew that is entangled with the fragrant Flowers, of his peace. With every breath that I inhale I breathe in his presence his calming ever in during peace. He tells me and allows me to experience all of his amazing and all-powerful protection of love.

In what felt like the depths of darkness God reminded me he's the one that has carried me. It was in these moments when I thought I had no purpose God assured me that I had been hand crafted and handpicked for great things to give glory to the Lords name.

TD Jakes says this thought best. I’m currently reading his book the crushing. His words profoundly touched my heart I thought I'd share this piece.

“The dirty place became the nurturing soil that enabled you to grow and blossom in ways you would never have experienced sitting in the safety of a greenhouse.”

So, you see The Dirty darkness I thought what was suffocating me, God turned it into nurturing soil that enabled me to grow and blossom in ways I would have never experienced or imagined. When I thought the Lord wasn’t listening, God Always shows UP. Every day is another day that I'm grateful for.

I struggle but I cling to what Gods promised me. I carry with me on my heart Philip 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

No matter what the circumstances no matter what your struggle is know that you can do it through God's strength. He is with you in all moments even when you can't feel it. What feels like the darkness could be the covering of his protection over you. Remember in order for a seed to grow it needs to be buried in nurturing soil it may seem like a dark place. From what I’ve learned being in that place. It Fed me lessons and taught me how to cope with certain people, situations, changes and circumstance. Just like any Gardener God is always watching over its plants guiding them and growing them taller and healthier wiser and stronger.

-xoxo