Are those Oreos ?

Hello world, hello to all who dare read the this brutally honest and truth filled post. *Warning* to the easily offended ones and those who can’t handle the truth I ask you to kindly leave and don’t come back there are other means of entertainment that are willing to cater to your sensitivity.

So, to the few that are still reading kudos to you! You are the ones that I write to. You are the ones that I will dare say the word “entertain”. So, what I am about to write about is nothing I’m sure you haven’t heard before well I could be wrong this experience is definitely going down in the books. It’s now something I laugh about but at the time I had every other emotion but happiness and laughter. I had all the emotions swarm to me from gladness, relief, sadness, anger, hurt, betray, frustration and a whole bunch of questions of why me? why now? Why does this always happen? I digress, let me rewind a to April 15th to be exact. This was a few days after I had written such wonderful memorable and beautiful things. So here it is enjoy and hopefully you get a laugh and maybe even learn from my hurt.

So, there Is a slight need to speed you up on things that I last wrote. Last time I mentioned and “Amazing man” who was and is most stunning to look at. To say this in the nicest way to me and who ever reads this, simply put we are no longer engaging in ANY stimulating conversations. Unlike most situations this I now look back as one of the moments; I could have taken two completely different paths. I could have easily cursed all things and or Praise the name of our heavenly father, who so divinely set all things up perfectly.

I tell you that I kept my composure throughout his entire explanation as to why he now longer wanted to go “further” with me. To be very honest I totally didn’t see it coming. I was blinded by the thought of happily ever after. I’m pretty sure that every “red flag” for me I justified. For example, I deal on the daily with anxiety and depression and he doesn’t understand what that is or even know how to be compassionate. His understanding 0f hurt and pain is only physical if someone breaks something, he sees the physical pain and therefore sympathizes with that person. Unlike someone who deals mentally with hurt and pain. I deal with my own self destruction I’ve battled back and forth with the enemy in my head. There are days where I am the strongest person and I can rebuke the devil and all things that try and take down the child of the living God. There are days when nothing can pull me out of bed and there is no form of life that I want to be apart of. Now I am thankful for having Most good days than bad days. I am giving God all the glory for that one. He deserves it ALL! To say the least, it is an ongoing struggle and I am growing. To revert back to the topic at hand. He came over to my house socialized with my parents, and we went on to our own conversations. As we left the living room, I felt in my heart to pray with him before we went any further with our evening. I turned around and explained to him how I felt the urge to pray with him and over him. He answered with a simple okay. As I sat on the edge of my bed, I turned to him reached for his hands, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in that moment The Holy Spirt said to me breath in my presences and release my grace. I took that opportunity to release whatever God had placed on my heart. Yes, I wanted to ask for blessing over our relationship but what I really felt pressed to do was to pray over him and his decisions, struggles, callings and frustrations. As I closed out the prayer, he looked serious, he stumbled over his words and I could tell he struggled to allow his words to have fluidity. The only thing I remember distinctly where “I am hesitant to go further with you”. I questioned what made him hesitant and his words where “if I told you, you wouldn’t be kassandra”. What a thing to say! Well damn, that one thing I can’t question is that It was most defiantly something I did or the totality of who I am wasn’t good enough for him. At that point my heart dropped to my stomach and I swallowed my pride and tears. I stayed quiet let him finish all he had to say. The conversation ended as I led him out to his truck.

Even then I still asked for him to let me know that he had safely made it home. As I closed the door my tears slowly crept out of my eyes and began to flow like a stream of uncontrollable water. I have only cried in my life for 2 guys this is the second. I cried and cried some more. Later that evening when he let me know her made it home safely. He told me to look outside the door on the left. To my surprise there was 3 family sized double stuffed Oreo cookie boxes. Its funny now, but at that time I thought it was a bad joke. he just left me there with Oreo cookies so I can be sad and fat! As I thought to my self this was the last thing I needed so I thought. It’s funny how clouded we get in our own world we forget we are living this life for Christ. I thought I did everything right how could this happen. I waited for him to approach me, he made the first move, he had dinner with my parents, HE Is a Man of God, he initiated the first date. What did I do wrong how could I fix it; I couldn’t I was the wrong girl for him? That’s it nothing I could do anymore. That’s how I felt in the moment.

Now that I have had time to reflect on all the things, we both have so much growing to do. Neither one of us are ready to be enthralled with a full-on relationship. In between his business, him running his dad’s business and this whole covid-19 affecting his business he didn’t even have time to really truly invest. Even if he did, I had growing I have to do spiritually and personally. I have also come to terms with the fact that I am a lot to handle and it is going to take a special man who has all the patients in the world and willingness to work with me. My attitude and my stubbornness make me seem like I could be related to the donkey family. Add a sprinkle of sass on top of all that and you have got yourself a kassandra. This may not be the end but for sure I am believing that this time of separation is for preparation. In the moment I was praying asking why me ?? why does it always have to be me that get rejected… why do I never have a happy ending? I couldn’t help but doubt the promise God gave me. This lead to a trail of never ending thoughts. Now after lots of ice cream, chocolate and yes, fine Oreo cookies.

I have taken time, to zoom out from being fully consumed of this event. What I now feel is gratefulness to the Lord for bringing me through all the emotions, he was teaching me to rely on him no matter what. Even when I don’t get what I want. Believe me I screamed bloody murder and yelled at God not knowing why or what was going to happen but at the end of it all I said I trust you God. I will not lean on my own understanding. In the moment I felt like God said see I told you so it wouldn’t work. Our God doesn’t laugh at us he loves his children. He doesn’t want us to be in pain. He wants us to rely on him for strength not on our flesh.

What I learned through all this craziness, one don’t get comfortable to fast you never know what God is going to use you for or do. Two don’t let your emotions over through all that is in front of you, it’s good to feel all the feeling but don’t stay there. We shouldn’t let our emotions fog Gods Future for us. we often get so consumed with our plan we forget God knows what’s best for us. God has herd and seen conversations and actions we didn’t. Even Gods “No’s” set us up for divine interactions and to do his will and give him glory. Three God may be saying not right now. God never has bad timing and we want to rush everything. He wants to know will you still follow his instruction and believe his promise to you? Even if he dosen’t give it to you when “We” want. Remember when we was ask why me God? Well God said why not you __________. I know you are strong and capable of this situation that’s why. God never gives us things we can’t handle. Ive also come to the conclusion that even though I was doing my bible time and spending quiet time with Jesus. My time I spent with the Lord wasn’t unvalued but I have a deeper connection with the Lord. I want to say it was surface level, I value and seek for his guidance to guide me in to a better relationship.

Ive been able to see so much after opting to do a 3 day fast from food after this emotional roller coaster. Golly was that revalational for me, it was hard and each time I felt tempted to lean into thoughts of the flesh as well as thoughts of eating! I declared his fullness inside of my body and mind. I sought his living water, to quench my thirst. I was seeking the word of the Lord like never before. Had I not gone through this “pain” I wouldn’t have fasted and had I not fasted I would have such connection with the almighty.

Not to say that I didn’t have a good relationship with the Lord before but I prayed to grow in faith and strength in his word and the good Lord above sure does deliver. He is always listening, never ignoring his children. I am grateful for the Oreo Cookies they grew me… not only in pant size but also in my walk and journey with the Lord. I am stronger because of the Lord I am walking in more confidence in faith because of him. I no longer have a “surface level” relationship with the Lord. I am leaning on the Lord more and more each day despite the outcome. I know the God I serve is good I know the God I serve made me a promise and our God never breaks his promises. So I am stepping into boldness and crazy faith! I thank you to the man who Told me he “was hesitant to go forward with me; and that I wouldn’t be me If he told me why he was hesitant.” Thank you for your half honest answer. Thank you for bringing me Oreo Cookies (which thankfully to you I am now a whole size bigger in pants… hey my but looks great !) to help “soften” the blow if you will. Thank you for going out of your way to come in person face to face break my heart. Last but not least thank you for being a step stone in my walk with the Lord. Thank you LORD for allowing him to be the one to break my heart and that it happened the way it did. Out of the ways I’ve had to end a relationship this was probably the most interesting and semi honest way of doing it. Above all else Thank you Lord for calling me to greater things. The glory belongs to you and only you.