WARNING |Uncensored Raw and real

“Write”, they say. “Write,” it will make you feel “better,” “write you will let it all out,” “write it’s a good skill to have” yet, no matter how many pages I write I end up feeling the same thing.

Do I really know how writing affects the brain? No. Should I or do I care, no not really. I’m really just doing this because my therapist said it would be good for me. Since I’m in quarantine and have nothing better to do might, as well put my hands to typing. So here goes nothing… plus, if I make a mistake it can be erased. Unlike many other mistakes they tend to linger; those stay around and remind me of all the wonderful and not so wonderful choices I’ve made in my life. I know at 21 what bad decisions have I made? Well that’s my problem. I can’t even make decisions to make bad ones. Why? Its simple,because I’m a chicken s****. (I know, I know, I’m asking the Lord for forgiveness right now! No one is perfect. Let’s be honest, we are all human and I’m being real and transparent… don’t sit here and act like you have never said on bad word in your life! Im just as real and sinful as the next Christian girl struggling with problems. Hate if you will. I will not sit here and pretend to be holier then thou and act as if don’t make mistakes. ANYWAY… Back to your scheduled program..-->).That’s the truth I’m scared. I’m afraid. Flat dead scared of making the wrong move at the wrong time. In sooo many ways anxiety has time and time again taken over my life.

What a problem to have some people are literally dying of the corona virus and my sitting in my bed, talking about my insecurities. I have a GREATE LIFE. 1.I have Jesus

2. I have amazing parents (well now I do they weren’t so great in the pivotal years; which could explain all the crazy I am and go through.)

3. I have a great friend who I occasionally want to choke but I’m sure it’s a mutual feeling.

ANNND God just brought an amazing man to my life. I say man because without a beard he looks like a baby. But he thinks, talks, & walks like a 35-year-old man. He happens to know all the things, (I swear he makes me feel dumb half the time… I am currently working on it. I know I’m not dumb. Just slightyly rough around the edges…) and he is so smart. Oh, did I mention he is absolutely gorgeous! I mean what a man. He is every answered prayer. He is everything I asked God for and more! I feel unworthy for him. I know I’m not ugly or anything but standing next to him I look like… well a potato! Literally he is this beautiful tall (eghh well he is taller than me I’m 5ft so everyone is taller than me) blue eyed, with dirty dark blond hair that only adds to his complexion. He is a man of God, carries a tender heart. He is outgoing and not afraid; he takes chances and lives life worth telling stories about. Let’s just put it this way he is the complete opposite of me! We get along very well, yet he is a square and I’m more of…. well an oddly shaped dysfunctional disco ball that only flashes when it reflects a person the ball likes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’m a person who judges all the time. It’s one of my beautiful imperfections and I’m working on it. Honestly, I don’t know why I judge. God tell us not to judge and yes it easier said than done. But me and the almighty are working it out! Praise the good Lord above!!

-xoxo